I wrote this one day when I got sick of all the Twilight fans foaming over how good (read: terrible) the movie is and rather than slap them, I thought this was a better way to release my frustrations. I did this parody (which is more of me living vicariously through my Nano characters) in about ten minutes, so please forgive the typos. This also gave me an excuse to practice using cuts and the like.

You’ll find this story has some sort of time paradox, seeing as Bella is not a vampire yet Renesme is mentioned. Just work with it, this is a parody.

Disclaimer: I don't own any character you recognize. I do, however, own Lucien and Valkyrie and they may not be used anywhere else without my permission.

“Oh, my lovely Bella, I am not worthy of you.” Sighed Edward sadly as he caressed Bella’s pale, part-albino cheek. She shivered at his cold stone touch, and swooned at the smell of his breath and sound of his melodic voice. Bella leant forward, lips brushing his. Just as they were about to indulge in a chaste kiss, Edward pulled back, topaz eyes wide. “I cannot!” he cried, “I am a monster!”